Rain
by Rei Barton
Summary: Touma is left after a deadly car crash...His grieving his pain is explained through the process and his views on his friends and how he finds the will to move on...
1. Rain

Rain...it never ends. The pattering sound of raindrops falling to the ground. The smell of dirt and flowers in the breeze. Wishing that it hadn't happened you watch the darkness and feel the pain...the pain that can't stop the longing for someone to hold you when they aren't even there anymore. The warm, comforting feeling that they are there is ripped away and you are left with the cold pain of what had happened. Why does everything seem to go wrong..when you want it to go so right.  
  
As you sit there you watch as the four caskets are lowered into the ground...and you are left with nothing. The gapping hole in your heart will never be filled. You watch as your friends are being swallowed by the darkness. The stinging of tears, fills already crying eyes...why did they have to die that way....why? Everything is always wrong and never right without them here with me. \par  
  
Sure sometimes they were controling but why did they have to go now? Without me? I'm all alone...nothing...as I scream in my torment, crying silently, dying within, just wishing I would die along with them. But it won't come...why? Why can't I just simply die... 


	2. Destruction of the Heart and Soul

Why did it turn out this way? My life has always sucked. When we were fighting they were always so controlling…always demanding that I make a plan. It's kind of hard to believe that they all died in a car crash three days ago. I wish I could get some comforting but it was always Seiji that comforted me nobody else.

Shin used to always have breakfast ready for me when I got up in the morning. I used to hear Shuu talking to Ryo in the morning too. But they are all gone now, the crash was so terrible. I should have been in the car with them, but I had decided to ride my motorcycle that day. I saw it all. The eighteen-wheeler ran them over the edge of the road and they went over the edge into a head on. I feel like they left me as some cruel joke and I don't understand why. Seiji almost survived but he died in the ICU. Holding my hand while I told him he was going to live, and he told me everything was going to be okay. I never thought I cried so hard in my life, even when my dad would get drunk and beat me.

The last thing I said to Shuu was 'I hate you, why won't you leave me shit alone!' I regret those words terribly. And I never got to tell Seiji and Shin how much they were older brothers and fathers to me. Well life goes on and everyone has to live. I'll try to live, I'll live for them.


	3. Step One: Grieving

4/14

You realize after a while that you just wish someone was there to help you deal with all the pain in the end. I finally talked to Elizabeth today about what I say that day. I was raining and I decided that I was going to drive my brand-new motorcycle in the rain. Everyone else told me I was stupid and would catch a cold or something like that. I didn't listen to them. I saw it all the head on, the look on their faces. Why didn't they put on their armors? Well, I guess we aren't invincible like Shuu said we were.

People never tell you how much they really love you until they are gone. Their quiet smiles, silent tears, and unspoken words always come back to haunt you when they are gone. I came home the day Seiji …left me and cried my eyes out on his pillow. I haven't touched anything since then. Everything, even Shin's dirty dishes are still in the sink from that morning, the undone laundry still in the basement, waiting for Shin to wash them, but they never will because Shin is gone.

Elizabeth tells me it isn't healthy for me to leave everything around to remind me of them. But I want to leave everything like it is, because I'm afraid that if I don't, that I'll forget them, and I never want to forget them. Seiji's fiancé, Gabrielle, won't talk to me anymore, I guess I just remind her of the good times. Keiko, Shin's wife, is in therapy, and everyday trying to get me to go with her. But I don't want to, so I promised her that I would write this journal instead so that way I'm not keeping it all inside.


	4. Despair

4/15

I have come to the conclusion that it is very hard to get over life. Gabby finally called me this morning and talked to me for two hours. I think she will be okay, but I think she is more worried about me than herself. She's just a lot like Seiji. Keeps everything inside. She came over after she called to drop some of Seiji's stuff off. I put them up where I think he would have put them. I saw the salt from my dried tears on his pillow.

I think I practically raged on Elizabeth this morning. She washed Shuu's dirty dishes and put them away, and started washing the laundry, she told me it was because I was running out of clothes. She was using Shin's pots and pans. Why do I torture myself?

Keiko found out she was pregnant this morning. She is really upset Shin didn't know he was going to be a daddy. They had been trying to have a family for so long. He thought he wouldn't be able to have kids because he had testicular cancer two years ago. I felt really bad for him. But he was so optimistic and perfectly fine with it that he wouldn't let anyone show pity, and nobody ever did.

Elizabeth let me almost climb into her lap today. I laid my head and torso in her lap and cried until I hyperventilated. She ran her hands through my hair until she thought I was content. Then I went upstairs and slept in Seiji's bed. Well, I'm awake and it's 11:00 p.m. I probably won't go to sleep for a couple more hours but I'll try.

Touma


	5. Denial and Suicide

4/22 It's so hard sometimes to get over things like this…I just expect them all to come right through the door and it never happens…Keiko asked me if I wanted to be the godfather of her baby…I'm not so sure, but I said yes anyways…I met this girl that I really liked….her name was Morgan she was very smart and pretty…I keep going clubbing and avoiding thinking about things like that though….I figured out how good bourbon whiskey tasted…Elizabeth came in and said I was passed out, inebriated on the couch…and said I should quit torturing myself…I keep insisting that they are dead…they aren't….they are still alive in my heart…my head…my body….my soul…sometimes I don't think I can move on…especially without my best friend…Seiji….I miss you so much…well anyway….the doctor told me to write a letter to one of them and tell them how I felt about them leaving me. This is it:

Dear Seiji,

Why did you have to leave me like that? It has been so hard getting on without you and the rest of the guys getting me on with my day. I can't watch any sports anymore…it reminds me too much of Shuu and cooking pasta reminds me of Shin…the dojo reminds me of Ryo…and meditating reminds me of you…I can't take it any more…and there is a really sharp razor on my nightstand…it's so hard..

Well write later…I guess…maybe…

Touma


	6. A slow and painful recovery

One cannot understand what is feels like to possibly suffer this much...well Shin might have...he always suffered becuase when his power grew he became an empath. He suffered from everyone elses pain. Keiko found out not only is she pregnant...she is having twins...how depressing is that when you finally get pregnant the father dies and then you find you are getting two of them instead of just one. Gabby I think is starting to grieve now...she went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants...maybe I should get some of those.

I am finally in the last year of medical school...I am going to be a doctor...Seiji and Shin always encouraged me to do so...So I will continue and graduate in their memory...I finally cleaned out all of the guys rooms...the only things I haven't taken out yet are Seiji's and that is just too hard at this point in time because I am so used to seeing his stuff next to mine. His immaculately clean side of the room compared to my disaster area. I really miss him. I think maybe I should move into one of the other guys old rooms. It sucks in so many ways now that I don't have company anymore. I have to wake up to my alarm instead of the guys talking downstairs and cook my own breakfast instead of coming down the stairs and smelling the breakfast Shin was making in the kitchen.

Their weapons and practice equipment is still in the dojo. I look at it everyday in remembrance of what they did for me and what they meant to me. I loved them so much. They were my family, my mentors, my teachers and my best friends. I don't know how much longer I will be able to go on without them. It is just so hard. I call the house just to hear their voices on the answering machine. I actually have no idea what to do without them here. I study all the time and totally devote my time to that. Which really isn't that hard but what make a ninety five when you can make one hundred right? I guess that sounds good.

I started going to a therapist and it really helps. He doesn't want to put me on antidepressants yet until he really evaluate me. It is so hard not being able to tell a therapist why they were so important to me. I can't tell him "Oh and by the way I am a Samurai Trooper and my friends were my partners and helped me defeat Arago and his minions that way you and the rest of the world would be safe." He would lock me up inside a insane asylum and never let me out for fear of contaminating the rest of human kind.

The though of suicide has been really overwhelming for the past week or so...but I think I will stop getting that temptation.

Well I only had thirty minutes of sleep last night...So I guess I should at least try to sleep.

Love always,

Touma Hashiba


End file.
